alright i know most of my followers on this blog are here for the shit art that i sometimes make so i’m sorry if this is not the kinda thing you followed me for but i literally have no idea where else to post this. my regular blog has too many followers & people i know irl for me to feel comfortable writing this there but i feel like if i don’t write it down somewhere it’s going to keep eating at me.
the last couple months have been fucking rough. i’ve been depressed as long as i can remember. i don’t remember what it feels like to not be this way. but i had just kind of accepted it as the norm because i am too embarrassed to ask for help. but lately it’s been soooo much worse and i don’t know what the fuck to do. my self harm has been back in full swing. and i feel like it used to actually distract/help me but now it does nothing? so i’ve been doing it more just trying to get some kind of satisfaction from it.
On days i don’t have work i literally barely move from bed. i get up to pee. sometimes to eat. drinking water is usually forgotten. like right now at 9pm i’m drinking water and it’s the first liquid i’ve had all day. my apartment is a wreck. there are clothes everywhere. dishes have been in my sink for weeks. i don’t talk to my family. ever since my best friend went to rehab for drug addiction and got clean he’s made a ton of new friends and we barely talk anymore. i just feel like i have no one and there is no reason for me to get better and nothing preventing me from laying in bed for 3 days straight.
this is just a whole new level of depression that i don’t know how to handle. i don’t know what to do. i’ve emailed my doctor and scheduled appointments with a therapist probably 3 or 4 times in the past and i chickened out and didn’t go each time.
i feel like an idiot. i feel like i’m going crazy. i can’t see the point in continuing on how i am living. i have no motivation. i have no goals. my job pays my rent and my bills, but i hate it. i’m 25. my life should not be like this.